Day Twenty-Two: Know Who Jesus Is

"Why are you troubled, and why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my hands and my feet. It is I myself! Touch me and see; a ghost does not have flesh and bones, as you see I have." (Luke 24: 38-39)

The disciples were scared. They had just witnessed their Beloved friend die a gruesome death on the cross, and now what seemed like his ghost stood before them. As thoughts ran a mile a minute through their minds, He spoke. He showed them His hands, his feet, and then ate the food set before Him. 

This was God. Jesus was back. 

Jesus could have done many things differently in that situation. He could have left when He saw their doubts. He could have reprimanded them. He could have ignored the doubt and fear standing in the room. 

But He didn't. He addressed their doubts and showed them the truth. He showed them His hands that had held the sin of the world. He showed them His feet that had carried the burden of mankind. He ate and showed them that He was the real deal. 

Jesus saw their doubts and met them head-on with the truth. 

What are your doubts today? Do you doubt in who Jesus is? Do you doubt His power in your life? Do you doubt that through Him you can conquer the darkness in which you have been living? 

I used to be a serial doubter. I doubted everything. I doubted that Jesus was who He said He was. I doubted that a "dead man" could help me overcome the sin that entangled me in addiction. I doubted that Jesus would really make a difference in my life. I doubted that my life mattered, and I doubted that things in my life would ever get better. I doubted in freedom, and because of my doubt, I stayed locked in the prison. 

You see, I grew up hearing about Jesus. I grew up in the church, so I "knew" who God was. But "knowing" and knowing are too different things. "Knowing" about Jesus is relying on the pictures from Sunday school. "Knowing" Jesus is putting Him in the story box. "Knowing" Jesus is passing Him off as a religious fairy tale and nothing more. "Knowing" Jesus does not bring freedom because there is no real knowledge. The Jesus I learned about in Sunday school was not the Jesus I know today. 

Jesus is not a man walking around in a robe, ready to turn water into grape juice. Jesus is not just a man that happens to take a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread to feed the five thousand. Jesus is not the brown shaggy haired guy I was introduced to at the age of three. All I "knew" about Jesus was that He was a good man. The stories made me believe He was fictitious, and fiction had no power in my life. 

However, "knowing" of Jesus set me up for knowing Him. It caused me to dig. It caused me to find out the facts. It caused me to look for the truth behind the Sunday school posters. I had heard that Jesus could bring freedom, but I doubted. I doubted that this paper man could really free me from my life. I doubted that He had power that could unlock the chains of my mind. I doubted that Jesus was who He said He was. 

So I searched. I sought after this image, and what I found blew me away. Jesus is not just a man made famous in Sunday school. He is not just a good man. He is not powerless, and He really is the real deal. I saw that He claimed to have the power to set me free from the darkness, so I took the chance to believe. I sat as He held out His hands and His feet, the same hands and feet that took on the sin of the world and conquered death. I saw that He rose again and conquered the power of the grave. I saw that through His victory over physical death, I now have victory over spiritual death. Because of His sacrifice, I am free. Free from the power of addiction. Free from the stronghold of doubt. Free from the definitions that fight for my attention. 

Through His selfless sacrifice, I get to see the beauty of life. 

There is nothing beautiful about doubt. There is nothing beautiful about hopelessness. But there is everything beautiful about who Jesus is and what He has done for you and for me. Knowing, truly knowing, Jesus is what brings freedom. Knowing who He is apart from the Sunday school stories is what unlocks the chains. Knowing His sacrificial love for you is knowing what it truly means to be beautiful. 

Beauty is not about what you can and can't do. Beauty is not about how you wear your hair. Beauty is not about how much control you can gain over your body. Beauty is knowing who Jesus is and being set free from the power of this world. Beauty is all about knowing.

Verse: "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)

Day Twenty-One: Trust Truth

I have to admit, I didn't start out the day challenging myself. I didn't even give the idea of beauty much thought (which I thought an accomplishment at the time). But then life hit me in the face, and I was CHALLENGED. 

It wasn't me writing down a challenge today. Nope- it was God throwing me into a situation and saying "Here's your challenge." And boy- was I unprepared! 

It's easy to say you trust truth when you aren't going through a challenging situation. It's easy for me to say I believe God when everything is going well. It's easy for me to set daily challenges when I feel like they are things I can manage. But what about the challenges that seem impossible to conquer on my own? 

That's hard stuff. 

Like sitting in a class with people you should have gotten to know by now, but haven't. Like sitting in thoughts of insecurity. Like feeling as if God made some grave mistake when He created you. Like thinking that you will never measure up. 

It's easy to know how to react outside of the situation, but what about in the situation? Personally, I get overwhelmed. I sit in the thoughts. I give into the lies. 

And I forget the truth. 

What is truth? Truth is knowing without a doubt that I am loved (Romans 5:8). Truth is knowing God knew what He was doing when He created me (Jeremiah 1:5). Truth is knowing that my personality, body, and life are created by God and seen as just right (Psalm 139). Truth is knowing that His grace is sufficient in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8), so we don't have to have it all together all the time. Truth is trusting in Him and leaning on Him to guide us through the challenges of life. 

So what is Beauty? What does it mean to be beautiful today? Beauty is trusting the truth when the lies assault you from all angles. Beauty is clinging to His word when the voices in your head clamor for your attention. Beauty is truth and truth, beauty. 

Verse: "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet was without sin." (Hebrews 4: 15)

Day Twenty: Do the Thing You're Afraid Of

Have you ever let fear control your life? Have you let the unknown paralyze you from living in the moment? Have you opted to stay in the boat instead of taking the chance to walk on the water? 

I have to admit, I'm a stay-under-the-deck kind of girl. 

When the horizon shows even a chance of the storm, I run for cover. When I walk out onto the deck and gaze upon the unfamiliar surroundings, I long to go back to my home. I like to be comfortable and safe. So I settle. I settle for the things I know bring little joy so I don't have to experience the unknown. I stay on the shore, knowing that adventure lies in the sea, but not caring to get my feet wet in the murky waters. I have put on the life jacket many times and stood on the water's shore, but I always seem to back out of what I set out to do. 

Yes, I have let fear take over my life. 

I am an avoider. I don't like new situations. I don't like putting myself out there. And I have an intense fear of being around people. 

Yet, it is so necessary for functioning in this thing called life. 

So today I am doing the unexpected: I'm going into the water. I am making myself go out there and meet new people. I am making myself go out there and spend time with the people I already know. No life jacket this time. Nothing on which to fall back. Just me, the water, and my fear. Just me, casting all of my worries and thoughts onto the one who can hold them. Just me and Jesus. 

Beauty is about taking chances. Beauty is about living free of the fears that hold us back. Beauty is about embracing who you are enough to go out and meet somebody new. 

Verse: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

Day Nineteen: Eat the Cake

When I was in treatment for my eating disorder, we had these things every few weeks called "Snack Challenges". The week that the Snack Challenge would roll around, a piece of paper was posted on the bulletin board for anyone to sign up. Girls would talk about the challenge for days. "Did you sign up?" Depending on the week, the correct answer was either "yes" or "no". The choice to sign your name on the dotted line could mark you as accepted or shunned. 

One particular week has always stood out in my mind. 

There was a lot of change going on in the house. A slew of new girls just moved in, and the chemistry of the house shifted. Instead of being looked down upon if you did not want to get better, you were looked down upon for making the choice TO live free. By the time Snack Challenge rolled around, the house was transformed. Every attempt for positive change was met with an even greater attempt to stay stuck in old habits. It was a rocky environment, to say the least. 

I don't remember what the Challenge was (which goes to show that the food really doesn't matter), but I remember the experience well. I took the challenge and signed up as I had every other challenge before it. Only this one was different; this time most of the house was not partaking. 

A few days before the Challenge, I had a complete breakdown. Let me tell ya- it was bad. It wasn't the fact that I was scared of the food. I had given up control long before that moment. Rather, it was the fact that almost every other girl in the house prided herself in the fact that she DIDN'T sign up for the Challenge. I walked around terrified of what people were saying (or thinking) about me. "They think I'm fat. They think I'm completely out of control. When they look at me, they see something disgusting. I shouldn't have even considered signing up..." And the lies kept rolling. 

I was so consumed with what other people were thinking of me that I let my emotions throw me overboard. Off the deep end I went, with only self-pity and judgment to keep me company. I, literally, was a wreck. 

It wasn't until I finally sat down and talked through my feelings with my therapist that I realized how crazy my thoughts were. As I told her everything that was on my mind, she sat there and looked at me like I had lost all sanity, which I had. I let the opinions of others fester in my mind for so long that I could not even function. My suspicions of what other girls might have been thinking led me to believe the worst about myself. 

Needless to say, I took the challenge. I may have regretted it then, but I don't regret it today. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned that the food doesn't matter in the end. The piece of cake really doesn't matter; it's my reaction to it that does. 

Today's challenge is to eat the cake or ice cream or pizza or cookie. The challenge is to eat the thing that you avoid, no matter who  is watching. You can't control what other people are thinking. You can't even predict that they are thinking the worst because, usually, they are not even thinking about you. They are so concerned with their own affairs that they could care less whether or not you eat the cake. 

So live free today, and don't let the piece of cake eat away at your mind. 

In the end, you won't even remember it. 

Verse: "Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load." (Galatians 6:4-5)

Day Eighteen: Allow Yourself to Fail Today

Perfectionism. 

If I could summarize my life in one word, that would be the word. All my "issues", all my troubles, have stemmed from my perfectionistic tendencies. In school, I was always the girl that would cry if I received a 99. At home, I was the kid who tried to "show off" my value by attempting to do everything just right. At work, I was the employee who felt like I had to surpass everyone else's efforts to show that I mattered. Behind the scenes, I was the girl who couldn't stand imperfections in her appearance, so I went to extremes to "fix" those slight imperfections. 

I used to think that being anything less than the best meant that I was no good. If I couldn't be #1, then what was the point of being anything at all? Second place wasn't good enough. Average did not make the cut. I wanted everyone to know that I was the best, the perfect one. 

Then my world came crashing down, and my imperfections were spread out for the world to see. 

The thing about perfectionism is that you never win. You may be the best for a day. You may be at the top for a year or two. But eventually someone else is going to come along and knock you from your pedestal. Eventually you won't be able to keep up the demands of being perfect, and everything will start to unravel. Eventually you will see that perfect isn't all that it is cracked up to be. 

I had a run-in with perfectionism the other day. I was driving to work, minding my own business, when I came upon a traffic light. I just missed the green arrow, so I patiently placed my foot on the brake and waited my turn to cross the intersection. I watched one car, two car, then three car, pass by. I listened to the radio. I thought about how tired I was and about how much I had to do for the day. As the third car passed by, I looked across the intersection and-to my joy-saw that no cars remained. I could cross with time to spare! 

So I gunned the engine, and as I crossed that white line of safety, I looked up. 

The light was red. 

Knowing that I couldn't back up now and retreat once again into the safety of the white line, I took the only option left: I ran the red light. 

Now, for most people, this might not be a big deal. Some may even live for this moment of breaking the rules. 

Not me. 

I have always been a rules girl. I never cut in line, even when my friends told me I could. I never cheated on a test, even when everyone around me were so obviously cheating. Yes, for the most part, I have lived a life within the boundaries of all those white lines. 

But on that day, I crossed the line. I broke the rule. I broke the law. 

And I couldn't let it go. 

I walked into work literally shaking. I felt like I was going to be sick. I thought that the police were going to come find me at my office and arrest me on the spot. I remembered every car that saw me run the light, and I sunk into a very long moment of mortification. They saw me. There were actual people that sat in their cars and watched me run the red light. 

I was convinced my life was over right there. 

That day passed by like a blur. I did what I needed to do, but inside I couldn't feel anything. Things passed by, but I took no notice. All I could think about was that bright red traffic light. All I could focus on was the fact that I had failed in a big way. 

I eventually got over that incident. I look back on it and laugh now. I'm still waiting on the ticket (praying that it doesn't come!). I learned my lesson though. I learned that failing isn't always such a bad thing. Sometimes I need it to remind myself that I am human. Sometimes I need it to knock me off my pedestal. Sometimes I need it to show me that I do not have to have it all together, all the time. 

Today being beautiful is about imperfection. It is about letting the small things go. It is about not caring that your face has a blemish. It is about laughing off the mistakes. It is about not crying when you get the dreaded 95. Today it is okay to fail. You don't have to have it all together all the time. It's not only exhausting...it's unrealistic. 

But please- if you embrace failure today- try not to run the red light. 

Verse: "This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:22-24)

Day Seventeen: Redefine Beauty

If there is one thing I have learned over the course of the past few years, it is this: I cannot be free until I redefine what beauty means to me. As long as I keep the world's definition of beauty in the forefront of my mind, I will continue to worship the image and bow down to the standards. As long as I cling to the definition of physical beauty, I will continue to make choices and compromises that I am not proud of making. 

The challenge for today is to redefine beauty. Reconstruct it's meaning in your life. Rework the wording so that it reveals the truth instead of the lie. Reform the clay of the idol into the face of the real deal. 

Beauty is not about you, and it is not about me. To be beautiful is not about resting in who I am. In the end, beauty is not even about being true to myself and shunning the destructive standards of beauty. To be beautiful means looking at the cross and accepting Christ's sacrifice. The moment I take away the cross is the moment I take away the very essence of what it means to be beautiful. I am beautiful because I look upon the face of the Beautiful One. You are beautiful not because you resist the standards of this world, but because you embrace the love of the only one who matters. 

When Christ came to this earth, He did not meet the definition of beauty. Isaiah says, "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him" (Isaiah 53:2). The people around Him did not stand in awe of His beauty. The disciples did not vote Him Israel's Top Male Model. God did not plan for Him to win the earth's beauty contest. By all appearances, Christ was not the definition of beauty. He was plain and average. His face did not stand out from the crowd around Him. 

So what makes Him beautiful? What makes Christ the definition of beauty? 

The fact that He is Christ, and He is God. 

In scripture, it is repeatedly proclaimed that God is the most beautiful thing we will ever lay eyes on. He wins the beauty contest because He created beauty. And what did He create beauty out of? Himself. He was the first beauty, and He is the last beauty. His beauty is what will remain, not the beauty you will see today on the magazine rack. God is Beauty, and He does not compete. He knows that the definition lies in Himself and in His son. 

Christ carries on the definition of beauty through the cross. This sacrifice for you and for me is the single most beautiful act in all creation. The perfect One laid down His life so that you could be free. Free from the definitions of this world. Free from the power of death. Free from the bondage of sin. Free from the hopeless that abounds in this life. 

Christ is Beauty. The cross showcases His beauty. The Father holds His beauty. And we reflect His beauty. 

You want to know what it means to be beautiful? 

Look to the cross. 

Verse: 

"Who has believed our message 
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed? 

 He grew up before him like a tender shoot, 
and like a root out of dry ground. 
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, 
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. 

 He was despised and rejected by men, 
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. 
Like one from whom men hide their faces 
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

 Surely he took up our infirmities 
and carried our sorrows, 
yet we considered him stricken by God, 
smitten by him, and afflicted. 

 But he was pierced for our transgressions, 
he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, 
and by his wounds we are healed. 

We all, like sheep, have gone astray, 
each of us has turned to his own way; 
and the LORD has laid on him 
the iniquity of us all.

 He was oppressed and afflicted, 
yet he did not open his mouth; 
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter, 
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, 
so he did not open his mouth. 

By oppression  and judgment he was taken away. 
And who can speak of his descendants? 
For he was cut off from the land of the living; 
for the transgression of my people he was stricken. 

He was assigned a grave with the wicked, 
and with the rich in his death, 
though he had done no violence, 
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, 
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, 
he will see his offspring and prolong his days, 
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand. 

 After the suffering of his soul, 
he will see the light of life and be satisfied ; 
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, 
and he will bear their iniquities. 

Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, 
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, 
because he poured out his life unto death, 
and was numbered with the transgressors. 
For he bore the sin of many, 
and made intercession for the transgressors." (Isaiah 53)

Day Sixteen: Allow Surprises

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." 

I used to hate birthdays. Not just my birthday either; I hated everyone's. Birthdays meant cake. Birthdays meant food that I had not planned for. Birthdays meant surprises. 

When you are stuck in the world of obsessing about food, no surprises are welcomed. Birthdays become torture. Parties become the enemy. Lunches out with friends become things to avoid. 

And the thoughts inside your head become more and more destructive. 

As you are presented with the piece of cake, your mind starts churning 80 miles an hour. The little square piece of flour and sugar turns into a calorie-laden monster that you can't seem to get rid of. "Will anyone notice if I don't eat it?", you think to yourself. "This was so not on today's food forecast..."

And so the obsession starts. Your day is ruined by one surprising little piece of cake. 

Today it may not be a birthday. Maybe it's an invitation to lunch with a group of friends. Maybe it's a homemade meal by someone you love. Maybe it's not food at all. Maybe it's an interruption in your schedule. Maybe it's an obstacle to getting to the gym for your "needed" work-out. Maybe it's a person who needs your help as you are on your way to "do something else". 

Whatever it is, allow the surprise. Welcome the detour. Beauty is not always about looking good. Sometimes it is taking life as it comes and not having your day ruined because of it. Beauty is flexible. It welcomes surprises, expects them even. To be beautiful today means to allow the changes to shake up your world. 

Today I am being intentional about surprises. I'm welcoming them, even looking for them. I realized this morning as I looked into my mirror that the image is not what makes me beautiful. What makes me beautiful is the fact that I love someone enough to let them "interrupt" my plans. 

And I don't walk away muttering under my breath. 

Verse: "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life-in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing." (Philippians 2:14-16)

Day Fifteen: Don't Hate the Models

The results for the Miss Universe Pageant are hot off the press, and all I can do is sit here defeated. 

It's not because I didn't win. I wasn't even in the running...no where near being in the running. But that's not why I feel so defeated. It's the fact that every girl in that pageant looks the same. Every girl that walked across that stage adhered to the same destructive standard of beauty. 

What goes on behind the scenes? How are the girls coping behind the plaster of make-up and bronzer? What is it like to be crowned Miss Universe? Do all your worries go away? Are all your dreams accomplished? Is your life perfect? 

I doubt it. 

There was a time I would have given anything to be one of those girls (and I mean anything). There was a time I looked at the pictures of those women and thought they had it all. There was a time that I looked in the mirror and wished I could look like one of them; I would have been happy even looking like the last contestant. 

Now is not that time. Today as I look at these photos, my heart breaks. I imagine the faces of the millions of girls and women who will see these photos today. I imagine what it is like behind the stage. I imagine how alone all of those "Miss"-es must feel. And then I imagine a world where all of that competition does not matter. 

Will there ever be a day when beauty ceases to be a competition? I do not know. But I do know this- I can make the change to not compete. I can make the change to look at those pictures and see the hurt and confusion underneath the perfect faces rather than the challenge to become them. 

I have been there. Not on the Miss Universe stage, but behind the scenes. I have witnessed the intense jealousy, envy, and control in my own life, and I would not go back for the world. What the pictures don't tell you is this: the life of "beauty" is miserable. The life of perfection is unfulfilling. The life of control only spins out of control. The life of jealousy only makes you more and more insecure. You never win. You never feel satisfied. You only feel more lost and confused than when you started out. 

It's easy to hate the girls in the pictures. It's easy to talk bad and degrade the magazines. But the truth is- they are just like you and me. They, too, have the desire to be beautiful. They, too, wish that someone would pay attention and love them. The only difference between Miss Universe and us is that she is on National Television. We are not. 

So today as you (and a million others) look at these pictures from the Miss Universe pageant, remember this: perfection is not what makes you beautiful. Photoshop and toned arms are not the answer. A thin frame and perfect hair will not complete you. The very thing that makes you beautiful will never be found on T.V. Beauty is you allowing yourself to be you in the midst of pictures telling you to be something else. 

I am no Miss Universe. I am no magazine cover beauty. But I am me, and today that is enough. 

Verse: "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare." (Psalm 25:15)

Day Fourteen: Don't Look at the Label

Calories, calories, calories. 

You don't have to have an eating disorder to become preoccupied with the label on the package. In fact, obsessing over calories is such a universal concept that lawmakers are considering printing nutrition labels on everything. Yes, that means restaurant menus, baked goods, and possibly even those little samples at Sam's (ok...maybe I'm exaggerating just a little on that one). The point is- people obsess over nutrition labels, even if most of them don't heed them. 

Have you ever gone to the office or attended an event only to hear these dreaded words: "Oh, you shouldn't eat that. Do you know how many calories are in there!?" It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how those words affect you. Eating disorder or not, calories are a big deal. They are what we use to please people. They are what we constantly pay attention to. They are, essentially, the bane of our existence. 

I'll admit, I am a calorie hoarder. It seems like my mind has created a central database of every food imaginable and-when I least expect it-it spits out the nutrition facts for me to stop and consider. Though some may see it as beneficial, it is a hindrance really. Life is not about calories. There is happiness outside of the nutrition label on the cookie box. There is freedom in not knowing the facts of every food imaginable. 

Today's challenge is not to look at those labels and not to heed the constant information output that goes on in my mind. Today is a day of choosing what I want to eat- what's healthy, not what has the least calories. Today is the day I scribble through the box and create my own reality. One of health and nutrition, not rules and regulations. In the end, life is not about food. It's not about the number of calories you consume. It is about the amazing ability to live free. 

Verse: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes." (Luke 12:22-23)

Day Thirteen: Replace a Habit

I have to admit, I have a horrible habit that I know I should have given up a long time ago: I am a habitual gum chewer. For multiple reasons, I have clung to this security blanket and refused to let go. When I'm nervous, I chew gum. When I'm bored, I chew gum. When I'm hungry, I chew gum (even when I'm about to sit down to a meal!). A lot of time it doesn't make sense. It doesn't do anything for me. It doesn't satisfy, fulfill, and it is definitely not cheap! It's one of those things that I knew I needed to give up, but the thought of actually parting with my chewy green friend was one I didn't even want to entertain. 

Today- I am doing more than entertaining. I am cutting the chains and throwing out the wrappers. 

You see, gum has become an idol, weird as that sounds. It represents so many things in my life: beauty, control, anxiety. I have used it for comfort and satisfaction rather than turning to the Ultimate Comforter and Satisfier. While my gum use is in no way physically life threatening, it is spiritually life threatening. Issues I would normally take to God are instantly solved with buying a pack of gum. Worries that add up in my mind are eased with the unwrapping of a gum wrapper, not the Word that brings truth. Money that could be spent on something useful and purposeful is ultimately thrown in the garbage. I know that is not the way I am supposed to live. 

So today I am making the change. The money I usually spend on gum is going to a worthy cause: a hungry child. A child that needs love, food, and comfort. A child that needs to know that they are accepted and loved as they are. A child that needs to know there is more to this life than their present state. A child that means so much more than a pack of gum. 

Every month I am sending that money I would have used to gain false satisfaction to bring true satisfaction to a child in need. I'm replacing the negative habit with a life-giving habit. 

Maybe gum chewing isn't the habit you need to break. Maybe giving to a needy child isn't the change you need to make today. Maybe today you just need to BUY that one meal you constantly skip. Maybe you need to change your unhealthy food habits for a healthy food habit. Maybe you need to take the money you use to meet the definition of beauty and put it to something useful. Maybe you need to take that money you planned on spending for a binge today and buy a meal or a pair of shoes for someone who really needs it.

Beauty is not about meeting the cultural ideals. It is not about meeting your needs; it is about meeting the needs of others, no matter what the cost. Beauty is not absorbed with self; it is utterly and completely absorbed with loving the unloved. Beauty is beneficial, never wasteful. 

Today is a day of loving a person more than an image. Will you make the change? 

Verse: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." (1 John 3:18)

If you haven't visited yet, make sure you stop by True Campaign for more information about living true to God and yourself. If you want to donate your time and money to a child in need, click on the True: Shift link. It's a great cause that reaffirms the truth about beauty. 

Day Twelve: Be Vulnerable

Have you ever planned for something only to see your plans fly away with the wind? Have you diligently prepared for a day you thought would honor God only to watch God create scribble out of your perfect painting? 

Today is one of those days, which is why I am convinced that God is the Master Scribbler. I woke up this morning certain of what my change would be today. "This is definitely a change I need to make," I thought to myself. So I planned and wrote and geared up for a day of change. 

And then God hit me smack-dab in the face. 

The throw-down occurred while I was reading Lysa Terkeurst's blog. God spoke to me amidst her true and honest words: "This is what I want you to do." 

Now I have to say, sometimes I can be a little daft. I had no clue what He meant. "You mean write books? Yeah, I've told you I want to do that. But You don't seem to be in any hurry to make that happen God!" 

Umm, yeah. Totally not what He meant.

It hit me as I went about my morning routine: be vulnerable. Tell them where you've been and what you are going through today. God wanted me to speak the truth, share my heart, and be vulnerable?? With other women??

Yep. 

The shy, quiet, sit-in-the-corner-and-don't-say-a-word girl is opening up and sharing what God has done (and is still doing) in her life. Here I go. 

If I were to be honest, I would tell you that on my own I have no idea what it means to be beautiful. There are moments that I live in complete freedom from the binds of my eating disorder, and then there are moments where the thoughts come hurling back at me and I attempt to take shelter in that narrow definition of beauty. There are moments when I sit and compare myself to girl after girl, wishing that I could look like them, act like them, and live like them. There are moments I think that I have nothing to offer the world at large, and in those moments, I become defeated and the girl in my mirror taunts me with insults. There are moments I forget the truth and instead listen to the lies. On my own, I cannot live in freedom. 

Thank God that I do not have to live on my own! It's only through His grace that I am able to start each day anew. It's only through His love that I can be accepted. It's only through His mercy that I can stand up and face everyone I pass each day. Without Him, I would be curled up on the bathroom floor, bound to the lies that seem to settle in my mirror. 

There are times I wish I had never walked the road of an eating disorder. There are times I shake my fists at God and ask for a new testimony. Something less hurtful. Something less vulnerable. 

There are moments I wish I could be someone else, someone beautiful, smart and extravagant. There are moments I wish that I could live life perfectly and make God proud. 

I am not the perfect girl. I make mistakes. I look in my mirror and sometimes I don't see beauty. I don't always cling to His promises...sometimes I cling to the lies. It's easy for me to say that I'm free. In a sense, I am. Christ's blood has set me free and everyday I walk in that freedom. Nothing I do can take away that freedom. 

There are times, though, that I walk back into the prison and put on the chains. There are times I "forget" that I am free and live according to the lies. It may not be anything big or drastic, but being bound to the lies in my mind is just as bad as following through with the actions of my eating disorder. The mind can be a prison all it's own.

Yet in all my weakness, Christ is strong. He is the One who constantly reminds be of what it means to be beautiful. He is the One who redirects my focus on the mirror and turns it back onto Him. He is the One who teaches me to live in freedom daily. He is the One who picks me up when I fall and whispers, "You are still free." He is the One who loves me unconditionally, even when I turn my back and love Ed more. 

I have heard from a lot of friends lately and all I can say is this- their pain breaks my heart. I watch them battle their eating disorder day-in and day-out. I watch them listen to the lies. I watch them live as if there is no hope. I watch them choose Ed over the freedom Christ offers. 

No, I am in no way, shape, or form perfect. I do not have this whole "beauty" thing figured out. But I do know that there is freedom. I know that you do not have to live according to Ed's rules. I know that you can live without the constant thoughts and fears. For the most part, I live and enjoy freedom. Yes- the thoughts come. And yes- sometimes I sit and compare. But Ed is not a constant part of me anymore. Life is wonderful because he is gone. 

There is hope. Life will not be perfect. There will be moments of doubt, insecurity, and fear. But there are also moments of trust, contentment, and joy. If I could say one thing to any girl out there struggling, it would be this: Don't give up because you have heard that you will never be free. That is a lie. You can be free today if you want. All you have to do is look to Christ, the one who sets you free. Walk in that freedom today and soon your actions will match up. 

Here's to a day of being vulnerable. I pray that this helps you, wherever you may be. 

Verse: "I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." (Psalm 86:12)

Day Eleven: Laugh

Sometimes life is way too serious. Sometimes it's good to just get out there, let loose, and laugh. When was the last time you laughed? I mean really laughed? When I spend my time focused on my appearance, it is hard to laugh. I become overwhelmed with everything I see. My hair's not right. My cheeks look bigger than they did yesterday. My face does not resemble the picture perfect magazine girl...and so the list goes on. I focus on the mirror and all joy gets pushed to the wayside. 

That is no way to live. 

When you are so consumed with your image that you cannot find the time to laugh, there is a problem. Life is not about looking perfect all the time. Life is not about winning the cover of a magazine. Life is not about obsessing over little details that no one even notices. 

Life is about joy. Life is about peace. Life is about hope. 

If looking in the mirror makes you cry rather than laugh-step away. Go out with friends and have fun. Go rent a movie that will keep you in stitches for hours. Go enjoy life. The day is far too short to focus on the mirror. Why choose to wallow in depression and self-disgust when you can go out and enjoy today? 

Today is a day of laughter. It is a day of smiling, forgetting the image and not caring about appearances. Laughter is what makes you beautiful. Enjoying life is what makes you radiant. A smile is what highlights your face, not the make-up you use to cover it. 

Verse: "The ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away." (Isaiah 51:11)

Day Ten Recap: To Recycle or not to recycle?

My bookcase is officially Ed free. If I invited you over tonight and let you look through my books, I would not be ashamed of what you will find. There are no more secrets lurking in the books. I no longer own a couple hundred pages of triggering information. I no longer let stories of eating disorders sit there on my shelf, waiting for my one vulnerable moment. 

Nope. The closest thing to vulnerable those things are going to get is the exposed contents of the trash! Ok-more like the recycle bin (I'm trying to be a little more Earth friendly here!). Yes, I feel guilty for throwing away (aka recycling) books, but this is something that I have to do. I don't know if I could live with myself if I just gave them away. How would that look? "Here ya go. You can have these books. They didn't help me; they actually made me worse. But maybe you'll have better luck!" 

Yeah...I don't think so. Call me the book hater for today, but those babies are not being redistributed. 

It's not like they are bad. I don't have anything against the authors. What I am against, however, is my experience reading them (and the experience of many others). Yes- some of those books were extremely well-written (which would be why I held onto them-I'm a sucker for interesting prose). And yes- some of those books showed me that I am not alone. But many of them also gave me ideas. They taught me things I might have never learned. They "inspired" me to dig deeper into Ed. 

So now they are in the bin. I'll let them live free from the confines of my bookshelf so I can live free as well. 

It's really a win-win situation...don't ya think?

Day Ten: Throw Out the Trash

Have you ever held onto a picture you liked of yourself for "inspiration"? Do you still keep that pair of "skinny jeans" stuffed in your bottom drawer, hoping that you will be able to fit your way back into them in the coming century? Have you ever thought that maybe holding onto these items hinders you rather than helps you? 

There is a reason you and I hold onto these things: we remember a time when we felt great and looked beautiful. The pair of jeans represents your glory days. The picture shows off you looking your best. The books represent something you want to be and what you can always go back to. Embodied in these items live our hopes and dreams. "If only I could look like this again," you think to yourself, "then I will be beautiful." So out come the skinny jeans, up goes the picture, and through your mind the words on the page travel. You live to become that perfect you, for perfection is what is beautiful today. And you believe you aren't beautiful until you look like that once again. 

Can I let you in on a little secret? Those things you hold onto are only hindering you. The moment you set them up on the pedestal and slap the label "Beautiful" on them is the moment you put on the chains. Sure, you took off the chains before. You reached that place of freedom. Then why do you still hold onto these things?

Holding onto your skinny jeans is not going to make you feel beautiful; it's only going to make you feel fat. Reminiscing about the "glory days" when you were young and beautiful will never make you feel beautiful; it will only make you feel worthless. Keeping the books that "helped" you in your eating disorder will never lead you to the truth about beauty; it will only drag you down the moment you decide to open the pages again. 

For that reason, today is my trash day. I have held onto things for way too long and it is time to get rid of them. Though I may not be using them, the act of keeping them is doing more harm than good. It means I'm holding onto what could be. It means I'm holding onto the past. It means I'm creating a place for destruction in my future. It means I'm not truly living the beautiful life. 

So here is to true beauty. Here is to life without hindrances. Here is to the trash guys who might find an interesting read in this weeks garbage can. 

Verse: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." (Hebrews 12:1)

Day Nine: Pick the Healthy

Health and Beauty. 

The two are usually paired together, but do they belong together? I've found over the course of my journey that they should not be paired. Each word represents two ideas; therefore, they should stand alone. Their pairing only confuses the minds of women. And here's why:

When you think of health, what do you think? I think taking care of your body. I think of choosing to eat the fruit and vegetables when you really want that extra large slice of cake. I think of exercising for the allotted 45 minutes, no more and no less. I think of things that are beneficial to your body. 

Ok, so health is the good stuff. It's the stuff that keeps you running, the stuff that gives you the stamina. Truth be told- it's the stuff that you were meant to choose. 

When you think of beauty, what do you think? I think of cutting things out. I think of the models on the runway and the pictures in the magazine. I think of eating less, exercising more, and covering up all that should be exposed. I think of a photoshopped life. Basically, I think of things that do more harm than good. 

True beauty does not harm. True beauty allows you to rest in the healthy. It allows you to be you without having to manipulate to please the system. True beauty chooses what it knows is best instead of what it knows will harm. True beauty does not care what the picture looks like; it cares about living healthy and free. 

Healthy in the vocabulary of the eating disordered is taboo. Tell someone they look "healthy", and brace yourself for an outslaught of emotions. It has a negative connotation because as women- we would rather be beautiful than healthy. 

Frankly- I think the definition has to change. It's time to choose healthy instead of harmful. It's time to choose health over false beauty. Healthy means being true to yourself. It means living the life God intended, not the life magazines flash before your eyes. 

Today I am choosing healthy. Today I am choosing the apple instead of the cake. Today I am redefining health for the good. 

Verse: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore, honor God with your body." (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Day Eight: Question It

I know that today I will be faced with envy. I know that something today will cause me to look at myself and feel not good enough. I know that someone today will seem a lot prettier, smarter, or more talented than me. I know my tendency to compare, and I also know my tendency to let those thoughts sit in my head, waiting to take root and control my life. 

Today when I meet those things I wish I had, I will question the thoughts. Why do I want to look like her? What do I think will happen if I do look like her? Why do I want to be him? Why do I want something else? Do I think it will satisfy? 

Today is a day of questioning and examining my motives. In order to redefine beauty, we have to define our current definition and figure out why we continue to hold onto it. 

Verse: "Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lamentations 3:40)

Day Seven: Capital R-E-S-T

You've been here before, the moment right before the storm. All was calm twenty minutes ago, but now-as your nose meets that distinct smell- you know it's coming. The storm. The rain. The hail. 

All of us are familiar with the storms. They are different in different seasons, yet the storms are always the same. They always blow with a fervor intent on knocking us down. They always wail and pound the life out of our hearts. They always flood the streets with fear and the swift waters of confusions. 

Storms are not fun. 

They are part of life though, just like breathing. Storms are one thing you can guarantee will come. The question is- will you be ready? 

I tend to not be prepared for the storms. I tend to forget that the seasons change. I tend to forget that the ground needs watering. To be perfectly honest, I would prefer the ground not be watered at all; I would prefer dry, dusty ground to soft, luscious grass if that meant I didn't have to sit through the storm. The truth is, however, that I don't have a choice. God does not consult me on this one. Believe me; I've tried to give Him my opinion on more than one occasion. 

He doesn't take the storms away, but He does give us a chance to prepare. He hands us the umbrella. He puts the rain boots by the door. He buys the shiny yellow rain jacket. He prepares us for what is to come...only we have to choose to put on the rain gear. 

The rain boots do us no good when we refuse to put them on. The umbrella does us no good stuck between the seat. The rain jacket does us no good when it is still safely in its package on our bed. We can have all the preparations, but unless we choose to use them, they are useless. 

Instead of taking the time to stop and pick them up, we spend our time preparing. When the storm comes, we don't use what we have gathered during the calm. Nope- we start preparing for the next storm, gathering what we will need, planning for the future winds, predicting the coming waves. Our minds go, go, go and our bodies move, move, move. We can't stop to protect ourselves from the hail falling on our heads because we are too busy doing. "Can't stop," you say. "I have to be prepared. I have to do this and this and this, so I'll be ready for the storm." 

HELLO. The storm is already here. 

God's preparations are nothing like our preparations. We go, go, go. We check off our to-do lists. We plan out the next seven years of our lives. We move, move, move until it is time to fall into bed and start over again the next morning. We run ourselves into the ground with our "busy, busy, busy" constantly in a hurry lives. We prepare to the point of no more preparations, and then don't know how to respond to the storm. Our preparations sit there, useless. 

God has a different plan. His preparations are not hard. They are not useless. They are not tiring. When the storm looms on the horizon, God says one thing (and one thing ONLY): rest. Rest in Me, He whispers as the winds pick up. Rest in who I am, He whispers as their words knock you down. Rest in my strength, He whispers when the diagnoses seems to darken the skies. Rest in my promise, He whispers when your perfectly planned future falls apart. Rest in Me, He whispers again and again in your ear as the storm batters you down. 

Rest. 

Today was a day of rest. It was a day where nothing was planned. A day that just went with the flow. A day that didn't need a to-do list. It was a day of quiet rest, resting in Him. He prepares us in the rest. He fills us with strength to withstand whatever storm is heading your way. He knows how weak we are. He knows how busy we get with our plans. He knows that the moment we step away from His arms chaos reigns again. He knows how busy life becomes, yet He calls you to rest with Him. Rest in Him. Rest for Him. 

Rest when the laundry is piling up. Rest when the to-do list is five pages long. Rest when every minute of the next seven days seems to be crammed with stuff to do. Rest when you can think of a million other things to do. Rest because you never know when you are going to need that strength. 

The rain boots are sitting by the door as the smell of rain drifts through the air. I challenge you to put them on. 

Verse: "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" (Psalm 91: 1-2)

Day Six Recap: Others Focused

What did I do for someone else yesterday? 

I cleaned. Cleaned as in scrubbing showers, sweeping floors, and dusting corners. Yes, I was a modern day Cinderella. But to be honest, I enjoyed it. Immensely. 

There is just something about doing things for someone else that is satisfying. There is something about turning the attention on what others need (instead of on what you want) that brings peace. There is something about stepping away from you and stepping toward someone else that is thought transforming. 

Here are my transformations: 

1.) Life really isn't all about your looks. That seems so obvious (or so wrong-depending on where you are in life), but it is true. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what you look like. It doesn't matter if every person that passes by worships the ground you walk on. It doesn't matter if you are named "Most Beautiful". It doesn't matter if the scale flashes that number you have been pining away for for most of your life. It just doesn't matter. The outside will fall away. Someone else will come along and steal the spotlight. The weight won't stay off forever. The beauty, as Proverbs says, is fleeting. When you are focused on helping someone else, your looks don't even come into play. In that moment, it doesn't matter what you look like in the mirror. All that matters is that someone else can smile at the end of the day.

2.) If it's not about your looks, then what is it about? Life is about love. Choosing love instead of jealousy. Choosing love instead of selfishness. Choosing love instead of apathy. The problem with today's definition of beauty is that it is self focused. It is all about me. When I look into the mirror, I am not happy. So I decide to change my appearance so people will adore me. The needs of everyone else get pushed to the wayside as pursue my perfect beauty. You ignore the phone call of a needy friend so you can get to the gym. You pass by the person that needs a meal. You ignore the pains of everyone around you because you just can't deal with emotions, not even your own. So you look inward and fail to see the desperation all around you. Beauty is about love. The two are synonymous. True beauty is giving up your wants in order to fulfill the needs of someone else. THAT is what makes you beautiful, not the reflection in the mirror.

Day Six: Do Something for Someone Else

It is easy to be self-centered. In a world that preaches "It's all about you", it is easy to live our lives "all about us". We wake up thinking about ourselves, live our days thinking about ourselves, and go to sleep thinking about ourselves. All those thoughts add up. All that attention on our own lives becomes self destructive. We start to pick everything apart. The nose that you have had your entire life suddenly becomes way too big. The hair on your head becomes a hideous embarrassment. The body that was meant to be used suddenly becomes useless and ugly. The mirror used to be nice. Your appearance used to not matter so much. But the more you start focusing on yourself and your flaws, the more apparent everything becomes. 

It is time to direct that attention somewhere else. Something that matters. Something that will last. Something that won't change. Today instead of looking in the mirror and complaining about what I see, I will turn my attention elsewhere. I will do something nice for someone else. Because relationships are the things that will last, not the image in my mirror. 

Verse: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4)

Day Five: Turn Off the T.V.

I don't know about you, but watching T.V. is often one of the hardest challenges for me. It doesn't matter what channel or show I am watching, there is always someone that I find prettier, skinnier than me. It leaves me feeling disappointed, disgusted, and delusional. I think that if I could only LOOK like her, then my life would be wonderful. 

That's not the truth. 

So today,  I am turning off all forms of T.V. Not because I think that T.V. is bad, but because I prep myself with truth so I won't succumb to the lies on the silver screen. 

Verse: "Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." (Colossians 3:2)

Day Four: Make a List of People You Admire

Today is not a day of cutting and pasting things out of my life; it's about adding to it and replacing what is already there. We all have had lists of people we want to look like, but what about lists of people we want to act like? The people we tend to admire for their looks are typically not the people we want to end up like. 

So instead of thinking about the physical aspect of beauty today, I'm going past skin-deep and diving into the heart. Who is it that you aspire to be like? Why are these people beautiful in your eyes? 

Verse: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4)

Day Three Recap: Something New (and hopefully good)

I have a long list of things I want to do in my life, but, I will confess, most of them are things that I am not comfortable doing. So over time, I have shortened the list again and again and again. It currently reads about five entries. 

But that's changing. 

I've decided that it's okay to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Like dancing, for instance. I'll confess- I am so that girl who dances in her room with the hairbrush. And in the kitchen. And in the car. 

But never around people. I used to love dancing. I loved the feeling of getting on stage (even though I always had a terrible case of stage fright) and, for 2 minutes, dancing without a care in the world. On stage I could be anyone (and anything) I wanted to be. In the dance studio, the mirror was never haunting. It always reflected beauty, and I was always intrigued. 

Something happened though. Over time the dancing was pushed to the wayside and discussions of bodies and beauty surfaced. Suddenly dance wasn't about dancing at all; it was about "looking like a dancer". It was about the latest diet or the best figure. It was about pleasing the eye instead of the passion. 

So I quit. And with my resignation I left my passion for all things "dance". I vowed to never pick it up again until I "looked like a dancer". That never happened. My expectations of myself were too high. The expectations of "the look" were too high. The price of dancing was too high, so I bowed out. 

Do I regret it? Yes. I think I would still enjoy it. I think I would still love the feeling of stepping into a costume and pretending-just for a moment- to be somebody else. The stage is welcoming in the fact that you can travel to a different time and place in a matter of minutes. You can wake up from an endless slumber, conquer the rat king, and dance the waltz along the trails in the forest green all before dinnertime. 

No- I didn't sign up for dance again. It's not that I am scared to do it; I just know that it is not the time. Maybe some day I will dance again without caring about the calculating mirrors. Maybe I'll be one of those snazzy grandmas that joins their granddaughters onstage ;). But for now, I am just remembering the things I used to love and why I stopped loving them in the first place. It's like a resurrection, only nowhere near as glorious as the real deal. 

As for today, it didn't pan out as I thought it would. I brainstormed things I could do without caring about appearances: swim, take pictures of people (yes-that is a real fear!), make a complete fool of myself in public (I'm actually pretty good at this one already...). None of these things were what I needed though. What I needed was to do something new. What I needed to do was go after that one thing I want to do, but refuse to do because of what people will think. 

So I drove to the Y and talked to somebody about volunteering for one of their young girl programs. 

I know it sounds silly, but I was scared! The prospect of having to go inside, talk to a random assortment of people, and ask about volunteering was not the least bit appealing. 

I did it anyway though. And I go back tomorrow to turn in the form. It's something new, something challenging, but something I have wanted to do for a long time. 

I have to admit, I find it completely ironic that the one thing holding me back from signing up to volunteer to help girls build self-esteem was "what I would look like". So here is to not caring about what we look like. Do the things you want to do, no matter what anyone thinks (or what you presume they are thinking).

Day Three: Do Something You Love

The mirror portrayed pictures of beautiful girls, dancing and spinning around the room as they waited for class to begin. Blonde and brunette intermingled with flashes of red, black, and shiny pink. Bags were piled against the wall, voices joined together in a sporadic symphony, fluorescent lights gleamed from the ceiling, portraying a washed out group of 4 year old girls. In the corner gathered a group of three, silently observing the carefree spirits in pink shoes. As the teacher walked in, bringing order into the mirrored room, the three slowly stepped in the group. This was not where they felt comfortable; this was not where they thought they belonged. Class began, and the dancing started. The room became a frenzy as girls spun around the room, perfectly content in working on their twirls rather than their hair. The mirror didn't matter in this moment; all that mattered was that they were dancing and enjoying themselves. 

Except these three girls. As they spun, they watched the mirror. As they leapt across the room, they watched the other girls. As they sashayed across the floor, they wished they could look more like their counterparts than themselves. They were not focused on the dancing. They were only focused on what they looked like-and didn't look like-as they partook in another activity that should have been enjoyable, but wasn't. 

Have you ever felt like these three girls? I know I have. It's so easy to get caught up in appearances that I often forget to enjoy the thing that I am supposed to be doing. Things that I used to love have been pushed to the wayside because I don't LOOK good- or as good as someone else- doing them. So I settle with going through the motions, day after day, not enjoying anything for fear of "looking" bad. 

Yes, this did become a problem. When people would ask me what I liked to do, I did not have an answer to give them. Do? I didn't do anything. Now, be on the other hand, THAT was something I could talk about all day. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew what I wanted to look like. I knew what made me happy: looking in the mirror and liking what I saw. As for what I enjoyed doing, however, I had no clue. 

So today I will do just that. I will enjoy an activity for the sake of enjoying it. I will go out there and do something I love doing, not because of what I look like doing it, but because it is something that makes me smile.

Verse: "There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" This too is meaningless-a miserable business!" (Ecclesiastes 4:8)

Day Two Recap: About Life Without Make-up

I'll be honest- I considered deleting Day Two's post this morning as I was getting ready for work. "Surely," I thought. "I don't have to do something this extreme to walk out this change." 

Oh yes, I did. 

Want to know what I found out today? It's really not about the make-up. I wasn't stressed about not wearing the make-up; I was stressed that people wouldn't notice me without it. Like they would pass by me and not even see me. Or look at me and not even give me a second thought. But what I found out today perplexed me: no one treated me any different than usual. 

Sure, no one stopped what they were doing and said "WOW! She's BEAUTIFUL!" No one came up to me and named me America's Next Top Model. But then again- that doesn't happen to me when I do adorn the mask, so why should I be worried about it? I shouldn't, and I didn't. 

People were still nice to me. No one treated me any differently. No one made any comments about my "new" face. Maybe because it wasn't so new to them. Maybe they could see me all along. Maybe it was just me that needed to step out of my comforts and realize that life without make-up really isn't all that bad. In fact, it made me realize that sometimes we are the only ones that notice when we don't meet our own definitions of beauty. 

Does this mean I am going to stop wearing make-up? No. But it does mean that I know it doesn't define me. The only thing it defines is the definition of what I think it means to be beautiful. And frankly, I think it's time that I change that definition. 

 

Day Two: Leave the Make-up in the Bag

I have to say, this is not the challenge I was planning on undertaking today. I had something much more simpler in mind, something much more easier. But it's one of those things that I just know I need to do today. 

Oh joy. 

So today, ladies, my face is going "all natural". That's right- I'm not wearing make-up today. Not to work. Not to the store...in public. Not anywhere. I have nothing to fall back on today. The security blanket will be left at home, untouched, in the drawer, and I will venture out into the world with no masks. It's just me today. 

Check back later to see how this challenge pans out. It may be hard. It may be uncomfortable. But is it necessary for finding out the truth about beauty? I think so. 

Verse: "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear. Forget your people and your father's house. The kind is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord." (Psalm 45:10-11)

Day One: The Recap

It's been one of those days. 

Have you ever looked in the mirror, determined to see the positive, and only come up with a handful of negative muck? Yeah, me too. Today was a muck day. I think I woke up with the impression that it was going to be easy to cut these two words out of my life. So not the case. The words were there beneath the surface, even if I didn't give them a voice. I have to admit- I got a little frustrated. "How am I supposed to do this when I am assaulted with what looks like truth?!" Believe me, I argued with God a lot about this one. 

Here's what I learned: About halfway through the day, I almost broke. I almost said the off-limit words. But then I was reminded of the truth, the truth that surpassed any image that seemed-in my mind- unappealing. 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Psalm 139:14)

Fat and ugly have been replaced with fearfully and wonderfully. The "mess" we see in the mirror is really a "masterpiece" that we need to look at with new eyes. To be honest, I have never found comfort in this verse. I found it too overused. But God spoke truth to me through this verse today, so I cling to it like I once clung to the image in my mirror. It is the "mirror" I looked into throughout the day. It redirected me to the truth. 

I am not beautiful because my appearance causes people to stop in awe. I am not beautiful because of anything on the outside that I strive to perfect. I am beautiful because the One who made me took the time to make me fearfully and wonderfully. In His awesome wonder, He created me. He paid attention to every detail, and every time I look at the image in the mirror and criticize it, I am saying He did not do a good enough job. "Ugly" is not a criticism of me; it is a criticism of the One who made me. 

So as I end the day looking once again into that mirror, I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When the thoughts come (and they will come), challenge them with truth and don't let the lies leave your lips. I found that the more I restrained myself from speaking them, the easier it got to discredit them. 

If you joined me in shortening your dictionary today, feel free to share. How were you able to overcome "ugly" and "fat" today?

Day One: Don’t say the words “fat” or “ugly” today. They are not allowed.

“I look so fat!” 

“I’m so ugly!”

“Please don’t take my picture...I’m not pretty like you.”

“I’m going on a diet. Again. For the third time this week.”

 

Do any of these statements sound familiar? If they do, congratulations! You know what it means to finally be a woman! The sad truth is- these are common comments in the lives of women. So common, in fact, that you don’t even notice them when they are thrown out into the open for all to hear. “So what,” you may think. “Every woman thinks she’s fat. Not one woman I know thinks she’s pretty. And EVERY girl I know says she needs to lose weight. It’s just...normal.”

 

Exactly my point. It is NORMAL to talk to yourself like this. It is NORMAL to look in the mirror, comment on how hideous you look, and live the rest of your day controlled by those few words. It is NORMAL to not like yourself. So normal, in fact, that girls who do not say they are fat and ugly at least three times a day are just weird. 

 

So my challenge for myself today? I’m going to be weird. I will not let the words “fat” or “ugly” escape from my lips all day. I will not utter them about myself or anyone else. It’s going to be a wonderful, glorious, fat-less, ugly-less day. 

 

Verse for Change: “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

 

**A note about the “God factor”: I know that not every person out there is a Christian. This challenge isn’t just for those of us who believe in God. It’s for every woman, everywhere. If the “God stuff” just isn’t your thing, focus on the challenge. However, I’ve been in your shoes and know from experience that there is really only one who can bring change. You decide what you want to do. In the meantime, I’m starting with Day One, leaving nothing out. :) **

The 180 Challenge

It all started with a question. 

"Can I really do anything that will make an impact?"

Sure, we hear about how "one person can change the world", but come on- is that really possible? As I look at the number of people on this planet today (about 6.776 billion...but who's counting?), my life seems so small and insignificant. How can I-one 19 year old girl in Corpus Christi, Texas- make an impact for change?

The question was asked, and the Challenge was born. 

180: 1 Change. 80 Days. Total Transformation. 

The Question: Can one really make a difference? 

The Challenge: Every day, for 80 days, make one positive change addressing the concept of beauty. 

The Goal: Change the way we see beauty, live beauty, and define beauty.

The Answer: To be decided. 

 

One of the hardest things about overcoming an eating disorder (or negative body image) is the broad scope of the problem; there is a lot that needs changing, and the idea tends to overwhelm more than inspire. Yes, there is a lot to change, but you don't have to tackle it all at once. One tiny change can lead to one huge transformation. 

Starting tomorrow (August 10) I will change one thing every day for 80 days. You can take part in this journey with me or just read the play-by-play as I go along. Can the way we see beauty be changed in 80 short days? 

Come see me in 80 days and we'll find out. 

A Day At The Gym

As I walked the floor of Corpus Christi's finest gym today, one theme seemed to scream loud and clear: obsession. 

This was a place where obsession lived, spread, and lingered. I noticed it on the women running all around me, trying to conform to the perfect image in their minds. I noticed it in the face of the man at the weight machine, spent from the workout that should have ended two hours ago. I noticed it in the sigh of the college student as she looked at herself in the mirror, wishing that she could look like anyone else but herself. 

I noticed it in the thoughts that tried to take up residence in my mind as I looked around at the hamsters on the wheels. How I wished that I could be like them. How I wished to have their bodies, their dedication, their faces. "What would it be like," I asked myself, "to look like her?" 

I imagine it would be a lot like looking like me. 

Somewhere along the way, I learned that looking like someone else would solve all my problems. Since I was a little girl, I have believed the lie that tells me beauty equates a wonderful life. I learned that appearance is all that matters; so if it looks good on the outside, it must be good on the inside. 

I have been so misguided. 

The truth is- it doesn't matter what it looks like on the outside. It is never all "good". Just because Ms. Run-for-three-hours on the treadmill next to me fits my warped definition of beauty doesn't mean that she has it all together. What makes me think that having her face or her body would bring me comfort? I'm convinced it's the packaging. 

The packaging is meant to fool; it is meant to deceive. It's all shiny and wrapped on the outside, but unwrap the bow and start tearing the paper, and you will be in for a shocking surprise. The present is not all that it seems. 

Beauty is that present. It fools. It deceives. It allures your eye. But as you handle it, you begin to realize that it's not as sturdy as it once seemed. As you look at it, you realize that it lost its splendor after the transaction. As you open the box, you realize that it is not at all the gift you imagined it to be. You're disappointed, sure. You're upset, of course. But do you give it back? Of course not. Because in your hand lies the power to influence. The power to succeed. The power to be seen. 

Beauty of today encompasses all that and more. It promises, promises, promises, but disappears when it is time to cash-in. It may wrap itself up in the finest gift wrap around, but it will still lead to the same end- disappointment. 

So join me in the revolution. When the next girl gets on the treadmill next to you, don't look at her and wish you could be her. Look at her, appreciate her for who she is, and continue on in your normal, healthy workout. 

You'll go home so much more refreshed.

Baking Bread

"Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy." Luke 12:1

The yeast of the Pharisees. Here Jesus is not talking about the words or deeds of the Pharisees. No- He is talking about the yeast. Yeast is a vital ingredient in baking bread. After you prepare the dough and mix the ingredients you must add the yeast. Without it the bread would be very flat and very tasteless. The yeast is what makes the bread what it is meant to be-bread. It gives bread its shape. It is essentially the sustainer of life for the bread. Without it the bread would cease to be bread. The interesting thing about bread is that a little yeast goes a long way. What you think will have no effect actually plays a major role. That one pinch spreads throughout the dough, causing the bread to rise up, change shape, and become a completely different substance. 

Have you been changed by the "yeast" of the Pharisees? Have you become a completely different substance in response to the one little foreign pinch of yeast? Have you risen up and taken on a new form, one that isn't even recognizable to those who know you? 

Like that dough, we are easily changed by the yeast of the world. What we thought would not affect us changes us completely. That one song we listen to could change the way we look at things. That one website we continually log onto could lead us right down the path of addiction. That one book we read could transform our thoughts completely. 

I find it interesting, however, to read that these small things are not the yeast Jesus is admonishing. The yeast of the Pharisees was not their beliefs, laws or practices. It was their hypocrisy. It was their attempt to cover up their real selves and show the world a fake. It was their invisibility cloak, their safety net. Under the guise of hypocrisy they didn't have to fess up. They didn't have to acknowledge the truth. They covered up their imperfections, pretended that they had it all together, and started a chain reaction. Pretty soon no one was real. The street was filled with plastic people wearing plastic smiles living plastic lives. There was no truth among friends. No honesty among the vegetable stands. Only lies, deceit and cover-ups. 

I like to think that somehow we've changed. I would like to distance myself from those Pharisees and include myself in a different category. But the truth is- I fit into their crowd. I too live a life of deceit. I put it on right alongside the make-up in the morning. I put on the face of perfection and refuse to let anyone see the flaws underneath. With my new face I can be anyone I want. And I tend to be everyone but me. Church is the worst. It is the church where the mask shifts into high gear. "Practically perfect in every way." My face is set, ready to please the crowd with my perfect life. At church I have no struggles. At church I have no doubt. At church I have no voice. At church the real me dies a little more. 

You see- we were not meant to live under the masks of hypocrisy. We were meant to be real. We were meant to leave every imperfection bare, out in the open. We were meant to own up to our faults and let God change us from the inside out. We can't change if we refuse to be open. And we can't be open until we are willing to look at our lives and acknowledge our own imperfections. 

Imperfections do not equate failure. The only thing they tell us is that we are not perfect. What a relief.

Lessons From the Bathroom Scale

There are many things I have learned from the scales in my life. They came in all shapes and sizes-these scales. Some were small, white and electronic. Some were large, cold and weighted. No matter what face they try to put on, my verdict remains the same: Mr. Scale and I are separating. 

Below I have listed my grievances, in no particular order. Be advised, if Mr. Scale comes knocking on your door, do not let him in. He is only looking for a new home since he has wrecked his former one. And don't think he's "changed" either. He hasn't. He can't. Unless he goes into some major intensive therapy (which I doubt he will), Mr. Scale will always be the same harsh, abusive hunk of metal you will ever lay eyes on. 

I, Alexis, hereby state that I am no longer associated in any way to the aforementioned Mr. Scale. Due to his abuse and outright disrespect, Mr. Scale and I cannot, under any circumstances, make up. The relationship we once had is through, and it would be best for both parties to move on with their lives. The following lies should be enough evidence to Mr. Scale's corrupt nature.

In the Words of Sir Scale (aka the idol in your bathroom)

1. Your weight is a reflection of your character. If your weight goes up at any given time, you are a worthless woman who doesn't deserve to walk the face of the earth. Worth equates to discipline, and discipline does not ever lead to weight gain. 


2. There is a magic number that will satisfy you. Just keep working to see that number, and your life will be complete. 


3. What goes in shows up on me. 


4. The mirror gives you a preview to what I am about to show you. Always trust the mirror; it is always right. 


5. If the number gets low enough, I will recognize your worth and proclaim your greatness. But since you have never reached this number, you are pretty much worthless.


6.  Beauty can only be found in the number I give you. 


7. Nothing in your life is more important than me. Bow down to me, and I promise to give you all you have ever dreamed. 


8. Follow my rules and you will make the cut. Don't follow my rules and-well-you know where you stand. 


9. Lastly, always remember that I am with you every moment of everyday. I will keep those numbers in your mind until you can think about nothing else. Total concentration on me will win you the life you so desperately desire. 

As you can see, Mr. Scale has no business in my life. As the jury, I beg you to consider the evidence presented and outlaw him to his rightful place: the trash. Look at it as a favor to society.